I am the Lonewolf

2009-05-23T02:11:00.000+08:00

2009-05-16T01:04:00.003+08:00

I hate myself...

I despise myself...

I made her cry today... She was crying...and she chased me away from her house......

I made her cry...

Ha... Never cried so hard in a long time... or actually this is the hardest i've ever cried i think......

Cried while walking, cried in the cab, cried at home........

I hate myself.... Im sorry, ting.... Im really really really sorry....

She messaged me... its ok, xi guan jiu hao, and things like as long as im happy can le, and her tears are not like pearls....like they drop realily or something......

Seeing this....breaks my heart..... Really, the way she's feeling....its all because of me.... If i hadnt invaded her life, se wouldnt feel so much pain and be so messed up...

Ha... i guess, if zhiqiang's a jerk, a bastard, not a man, useless, not worth living in this world....then dont that make me....worse off than him, below him?
The way ting...loved me....and...its not even the fucking 1st month, and we had our first fight, and a big one in fact...and i already made her cry.......

piang the wall 5 times, with my right fist, but why...why didnt hit till my fists bleed, till my fists break? maybe i dont dare to hit so much....ha....what a coward...

2009-04-09T00:51:00.000+08:00

Trying out wordpress at the moment, xD

2009-04-07T23:54:00.003+08:00

Am i really that invisible?

Yea, i guess i am. Heck, i was never close to anyone at 3/4 Grace anyway... Well, maybe except for sisca, but it was never there for the rest..

Yea, saw someone at yishun mrt, and even sat beside her at the station. Walked pass her, and she also walked passed me, and were in same cabin. Didnt realise i was even there, i guess.

Funny how life is.

2009-04-07T01:24:00.003+08:00

Well, today's boring.

Real boring...

Dammit, im so tired.

Saw tianwei at taka today. Yea, she was there shopping woth her parents.

Oh yea, went supper with jickson, jonathan, gary, xinhui, xiaoqiang, ------ and another girl whom i dont know, at the Mcdonalds at lucky.

Yep, chatted around with them alls, and ate my "dinner" there.

Oh, and xinhui's parents tong pang me back yishun, at the back of their lorry, which is so damn cool.
The wind blowing against your face, the sound of it rushing past you.

Yeays!

xD

2009-04-05T22:57:00.002+08:00

Omg!
Omg!
OMG!
The coolest thing you ever see on orchard road:

8 Lamgourghinis driving past you on the roads of orchard.

COOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Its like mini singapore versin of too fast too furious.

Seriously, its like one in a lifetime to see that kind of stunt again in Singapore.

And during work, told dajie that a customer is pretty.

And i regretted doing that.

She bio her, and started talking to her, and even asked her she so pretty sure in school alot of guys ask her for stead.

Wtf, this is so wrong.

The worst thing was that dajie asked her how she thinks of me.

..

...

WTF!?!?!?

Yes, she looks real pretty la, but this is kind of... over.

=.=

2009-04-04T00:19:00.000+08:00

NOW A FAN OF WONDER GIRLS!!!

xD

2009-04-02T08:34:00.003+08:00

First day of work yesterday back at taka. But worked at taka square, full shift, cuz dajie on leave.. And erjie still recouperating.

Not bad sia, the first day sales, shoulf be at least 40-50. Cool xD

Hehe

Hmm, went lunch with xinhui ( i think) and joreen at Cine. Lols, at the Koufu there. Ate alot sia...

And moved the new stocks at night, near closing. I alone move 5 huge cartoons from the lobby la, some more the stupid toy section block the way of my cartoons, dammit. And i stacked it 4 cartoons high on the trolley... -.- So damn high.

Went Mcdonalds with the 3 Crocodile promoters ( opps i dont know their name hahaha) and xiao qiang. Haha, chatted about work stuffs, as usual during such suppers. xD

Visiting erjie today with charmaine! =D

2009-03-31T23:57:00.001+08:00

Went for set up today...

Yeps, set up at taka square. Tiring sia.... Had to organise the apparels in size, put them on the wagon, but the extras below the wagon, clunt stock, and write "2 for" on the price tags. WTF. Should be done BEFORE the price tags are passed to the office la.

Zzz

Went to centrepoint during my break to meet adeline for lunch. Apparently she also planned to have lunch with joel, LOLS! If i had known i would've met up with him first. Haha.

Ate in Cine in some jap restaurant thats more like fast food, but serves bentos and such.

Went to visit erjie at SGH after work.

Oh yea, i forgot to say..

She's pregnant! Omg!!! Wow! Congratulations!!!

Heehe.

But she went for an operation cuz her mang chang fa yan. Dont know how 2 translate that. -.-

Erjie looks weak and in pain lor. Haix..

Really hope she gets well soon! And please dont let anything happen to her health..

2009-03-30T20:46:00.002+08:00

Hah, finally finished work at robinsons @ expo...

Well now i deserve a rest.

Heya Ade, of your reading this, i just wanna let you know that your friends care alot about you, so dont let yourself be too sad, eh. I dont mean that you should forget the memories, but should treasure it and move on.

It already is hard to control your feelings when one is devastated, and its even more difficult when you try to put on a mask when your heartbroken.

Dont do that, eh. You will only hurt yourself more.

Really hope you will get better soon.

Went to the saloon to get my haircut today.

And wtf my specs just broke when i took it out. =.=

Crispy specs.......

Got my fair cut, the auntie helped my style a little, and help me tape my specs a little. Hey, cant blame me, i have a movie to catch. But i only wore it during the movie la.

But still, i feel so blind...

Met Charmaine to catch a movie. Yep, planned to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic with her cuz i know she would want to watch it.

Yea, the movie was so-so lah. Lols. But the main point was to meet up with her and have a chat. Haha, quite enjoyable, as always. Like what we told each other, we wont think about relationships now, what matters most are those whom we hold dear and treasure, our friends.

Looks forward to meeting her again. Hehe.

Take care, best friend! Lols xD

Went lewis's house for awhile to slack, before going back to the spectacle shop to get a new pair of specs, and wth i got a new working pair in like 10 minutes...?!

WOW~

Sweeeeet! The ubncle very nice la, i dont have enough cash to pay he say never mind and let me go out to draw money. Not scared i wear the specs and just leave meh? But, haha, im not that kind of person...

Yep, my new specs costs $90...........

Need to get more sleep, am working tomorrow to help in the set-up... =P

2009-03-29T06:34:00.002+08:00

Watched She Diao Ying Xiong Zhuan till approximately 6am just now.

Finished 28 episodes le. xD

Suddenly, i realise how inadequete, how unsuitable i am to live in this world...

In this world, there is so much hypocrisy, so much deception, so much competition, so much unlovingness. In this world, there is no loyalty, no faithfulness, no love.

This is how i am not suited to live in this world.

How i put great importance on loyalty, on friendships, on love. How i am prepared to sacrifice everything for the ones i cherish.

How unimportant this is in this world.

How i think i rather be living in the past, where amongst deception and backstabbings there is still some, if not none, significance in friendship, brotherhood, loyalty, love. How these can actually mean something when it does not count as anything in the world im living in.

Yea, people say in tian zhen, im naive. How silly i am to give up so much for just a friend. How people in this world will not thank you for your help but turn back to take advantage.

How i am lost, in the midst of all the deceptions and hypocrisy.

Lost, and alone.

2009-03-24T23:12:00.002+08:00

Finally got a DVD player!

Yay!

Got the Legend of the Condor Heroes, she diao ying xiong zhuan! The newest one, with hu-ge and Lin Yichen (Yayayayayay!!!) as lead characters!

Love the show!
Bia-ed the forst CD, which is 7 episodes, last night. Or this morning actually. Slept at 5am. Zzzzzz

Red Bull to the rescue!

Haha, bought Assaain's Creed from the robinsons @ Expo! $39.90!

Went to Funan after work, morning shift, and bought an earphone for about $17!

And went to Isetan Scotts to collect my G2000 Black Label business pants! Wieeeeeeee.

Went taka to visit them, foing out that annie was transfered to Isetan Scotts. Wth, didnt see her there. Woalao. Chatted before going home! xD

2009-03-23T23:46:00.002+08:00

Haha, saw Sarah again yeasterday. She;s not working at the shoe brand le, cuz she found another job as a music teacher. But she was at expo again cuz she was there to relieve someone going for lunch for awhile only. Lols, managed to chat with her for a little while. xD

Ah Fa was also there to shop, the Goldlion shoe promoter who wants to be like Show (Lols). Haha. Yeps, funny guy.

Did about 8k for yesterday! Yippie!

Charmaine came to expo today with her mum and cousin, and apparently Espirit was their obvious shopping haven. Haha, didnt get to talk to her much cuz customers come at the wrong time, and she wanted to shop and also eat.

Felt like there were some things i want to talk to her about, but i just cant seem to remember what. But anyways, i dont think i will tell her anyway even if i can remember. DOnt know why.

Weird.

Also saw weichi there. Wtf saw so many people, ahaha. He was there waiting for a friend and also shop lor.

Haix, tired tired tired.

Have to go collect my $99 Black Label pants and buy a pair of earphones, since im working morning tomorrow.

2009-03-22T00:06:00.002+08:00

Im really sorry. Let me take back what i said in my last post.

Dont go Expo unless you really have somethings you really want to buy.

Yep, thats my advice. I mean, the adidas fair was wwaaaayyyy below what i thought it would be. What they sell are all old stocks, and the only thing worth buying may only be the shoes.

Yea, bought a pair for $50.. =.=

And the popular fair's also very la sup. All old stocks too, not really worth going. Haix...

Well, i am so... shagged. Yep, went for lewis's bbq at sembawang, and stayed overnight at his house before going home, showering and chionging to the adidas fair. =.=

IM ZOMBIFIED!!!!!

Seriously, im damn tired. Im like dozing off during the whole train ride, so people will think im a wierdo cuz i keep waking from my dozes and making weird movements, eg. sudden reflex of my leg.

And i missed the stop at Tanah amerah as i dozed off sitting in the train, so when i woke up i found myself at Pasir Ris. =.= wtf sia...

So went to expo, waited freaking long for the darn fair to start at 11 (i was there at 9.30?!?!?!). Got my shoes, chionged a can of Red Bull and went to work.

WANT TO SLEEP~~~~...

TIRED~~~

HALF DEAD~~~

Drank another can of Red Bull at night, cuz i was falling asleep. Wth i chionged 2 cans of it in a day. O.o

Zzz..

Well, at least 2 good things came out of today.

Met Sarah at expo!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!
Been looking out for her these past few days, but didnt see her.
Found out she isnt working at expo.
LOLS?
Yea, marcus is right, she does look cute and pretty.
No wonder................. HAHA
*snickers*

Then met Dawn when going home, inside the train.
She cut her hair!!!!
Looks alot different but also pretty lei. Haha.
She wore a short green dress and a yellow tube (i think) inside.
Dont say pervert la, but she really look very chio like that mah.
Some more she only go study with her friends leh. O.o
Haha.
Really mah she got a good figure. Im not afraid to say that, cuz wtf i dont mean anything else la!

Yays! xD

Argued with him again, again its a small matter blown big. kpkp, damn sian.

Apparently he's cutting off my allowance and placing me under curfew for 3 months.

Like THAT will actually stop me.

Made up my mind, i dont want his money. Gonna ban gong ban du!
Hope it goes well, else im screwed.

Wait, i already am.

2009-03-20T23:33:00.003+08:00

Second day at Robinson @ Expo!

Yeps, amazing. Met Joreen there. Like, wow. Didnt see her for a long time, since when there isnt a versino sounter at taka.

Suprised to see her there, haha.

Saw a few people from phs too. If im not wrong, i saw... Darn i dont know their names. Oh well...

Went to lunch with joreen. Ate at the food court.

Amazing but true

GO EXPO EVERYONE! GOOD SALES AT ROBINSONS!!!
MORE SALES AT POPULAR!!!

ADIDAS FAIR!!!!!!!!!!
MUST GO!!!!!!!

Your an idiot if u see this and not go. LOLS.

But seriously, go asap. The popular and adidas fair ends on sunday, so hurry!!

=D

Oh yea, going to lewis party now, at Sembawang Park, then staying out overnight, and going expo early to go for the adidas fair, then working full.

Omg, i must be mad.

Zombiefied.

2009-03-19T23:26:00.001+08:00

First day at Expo today.

Met Arnold before going to expo cuz i have no idea how 2 get inside from the staff entrance.

So comes the first day of my working full- days. -.-

12 wagons of business pants, about 1'900 pants in total. O.o

Saw a few promoters from Robinson RC, saw adeline, saw kelly.

Didnt see sarah. awww...

But todays's sales was not bad. Of our counting was correct, we sold 203 pieces and earned $4'874. Yeps.

xD

Yay!

2009-03-18T23:39:00.001+08:00

Went to amk, the SATA clinic today because a friend was there and she was scared.

Yep, and because its embarrassing, i shall not say in detail the whole story. Its just that she asked me the night before if i could go pei her cuz she was scared, so i went down and meet her. Yeps. Actually was waiting for her call so i can get ready to meet her before she goes to the clinic, but she called me while she was already on the way there, and i decided to go meet her when she told me she failed the test again, and needed to retake it again.

Crazy clinic. =.=

So after we left the clinic, we went to the hawker centre fot breakfast, and i had actually planned to send her home, but ended up going to her house to wait for her to go to Taka together. Yea, im meeting lewis at orchard mah, so i go there first lor. =)

So went taka and chatted with alex, dawn, adeline, erjie, jamie and the malaysian goldlion accessorise full-timer whom i dont know her name. aww..

Went to Isetan at Scotts Road and bought a black shirt and black business pants... For $148. O.o
Shirt: 14 1/2---> $49
Pants: 29 ---> $99 WTF?!

Yea LOLS, thats so darn ex...

Went Far East and bought 2 tees, $50 for both, and wanted to buy a white short sleeve shirt and found a nice one, but it doesnt have small anymore... T.T

Went to Cine, Hereen and finally taka again, and with sore legs and backs me and lewis went to the foodcourt at taka for dinner.

Went to Mens Wear to bid them all goodbye before proceeding home. Which is about the same time as when they knock off. LOLS.

Byebye Dawn!
Byebye Alex!

Yep, dawn's going back to retake her last year of JC and Alex's going somewhere else to work.

2009-03-14T23:30:00.002+08:00

Was at work today when i saw Miss Prudence Lim walk pass my counter.

Yep, cool.

She was talking to her friends, so i guess she didnt notice me looking at her.

Heh, wanted to call her, but on second thoughts, i think i better now. I mean, im a student and literally the worse student who wasnt up to expectations.

Yea, suddenly it all hit me. Im so disgusted...... at myself. It's like suddenly i see myself in the mirror and realise... what a failure i am.

The incident today made me realise how childish, downright childish i am. How i let down my guard. How i let myself fall deeper into the pit i already am in. How insensitive i can be if i dont watch myself. How... i dispise myself.

It all seems to me that im just... a failure, that i never live up to expectations, how im in the total opposite of everyone else, how i am what everyone else doesnt want to be. That when everyone strives to live their life to the fullest, i cant wait to end mine.

How i cant wait to end the pain. end the sorrow, end the hypocrisy. end... everything about me. And im really looking for a little ounce of opportunity to end it all without people looking at me and realise what i've done. To end it with as little desperation as possible.

Sometimes... it looks as if everything turns for the better. How i may actually want to live. How i actually wont pounce at every chance to end.

But come to think of it, is it al just an illusion, that i live in order to die? Why is it that, in truth, everyone is just waiting to die, my thinking is so different from others.

Tsk, how pathetic am i. Im here talking all to myself, just like a fool. I mean, im just blogging for myself to read. A blog is supposed to be shared with others, but somehow i dont want to let others see, or at least not allow everyone to read.

Here i am, literally talking to myself.

Idiot. Disgusting. Pathetic. Loser. Failure.

2009-03-12T23:59:00.002+08:00

Omigosh. Omigosh.

OMG~?!

Yay~! My internet's working ( i think, and i hope)! Yes, after so many days, or a few weeks without a proper connection, im finally online sitting on my chair in my room at home! Oh wow! =D

Sweeet, yea!

Oh yea, went back to work today at taka. Lols, the first day of the taka card special promo thingie. xD

Oh, and they said charmaine was there; they saw her went to and leave the toilet. Didnt see her thought, awwww.

And xiangxiang-jie moved to yishun! And she lives at Blk 151, if im not wrong. Nice, its also very near my house. xD

Hehe, gonna use my lappy till the wee hours!

2009-03-09T20:38:00.002+08:00

Went to bugis yesterday to buy some clothes. Went to the foodcourt at bugis junction for lunch first, and went to Everlast to buy a pair of Everlast slippers, for about $22.90. xD

Then went to the BHG there to visit erjie. Didnt see her for a long time le, and it feels good to see her and talk to her. Yep. =D Im glad everything's normal, or at least the way she treats me. Will go visit her whenever i pass by there! xD

Also went to bugis street to shop, but its like halk of it is under renovation, and most of the shops that kanna are the ones for men. -.- Rawr.

Got a black shorts for... $23.90, and lewis bought a small sling bag.

Went to lewis's house to slack, then went to seinaung's house to slack with lewis, seinaung, guanru, simon, and weiling. Lols, and and chatted there lor.

I need a new phone, dammit.
Now how many times have i said this...? Hmm...

2009-03-07T20:20:00.003+08:00

Wtf, stupid simon.
Idiot idiot idiot.

Dammit, im wasting my time here. Why am i even here?

Yea, im at Paradix now, all because of that stupid simon, =.=

Apparently he played lan and overshot, so in the end he didnt have enough monet to pay for it. WTF?!

So i went down, all the way from SEMBAWANG. dammit, its like so damn far. In the end, when i got there, he told me his uncle came 10 minutes ago and helped him pay for it.

=.=

Screw you.

Waste my time sia.

2009-03-06T23:19:00.003+08:00

Lols, went to Lido today to catch a movie with some friends. Yea, me brother, cassie, simon, kelvin, and valerie were there.

Man, there's soooo many good movies to watch. There's...
Slumdog Millionaire
Watchmen- M18?! Darn i wanna watch~... T.T
Angels and Demons- Coming soon
Terminator- Coming soon

There's so many more i cant remember. LOLS.

Ate Subway before going for the movie. Watched Marley & Me. Actually promised charmaine i would watch it with her, but there's no other movie to watch... Awww.

The movie was actually not too bad, not quite what i expected at all. Its quite nice, and i dont regret watching it. Yep, and the dog's cute too. Haha

But it reminds me... that even in the midst of all the best times...

All good things always come to an end.

2009-03-04T21:25:00.002+08:00

LOLS, planned to meet up with kimberley today to pass her the twilight books for her to read, cuz she said she wants to read it but dont have the books.

Yea, so i went to the void deck i frequent (which i found out was blk 224) to read Eclipse. Yeah, but then it started to rain. Heavily. And the stupid wind's blowing the rain on me, screwing up my reading. Oh well, at least i managed to read about 2/5 of the book in about an hour. xD

Yea, so kim came and we chatted for awhille, before i passed her Twilight and sent her home before going home myself. Haha.

Its really nice to see her again, after so long. Hehe

Yep, at lewis's house now, most probably staying overnight. =D Game on!

Love the twilight series! Cuz its really cool, and nice to read. Interesting, and most importantly, there's werewolves. YEAH

RAWR

2009-02-28T21:03:00.001+08:00

LOLS. What a coincidence.

Went to a quiet void deck today to read a book, to past the time whilst aviodong him.

And guess what, on the way back i saw kimberley. xD

She was waiting for the lift at her void deck, wearing a black dress (?). Found out she just came back from tuition. Haha

She saw me as i walked pass when she got into the lift, and yea we waved at each other as she went up to her floor. =p

What a coincidence.

Dang, although i like the rain, its screwing up my internet. Badly. Zzz

I need to go shopping~...

2009-02-26T00:29:00.002+08:00

DAMMIT!!!!

Why cant things just ever go my way...? Things never seems to go according to plan, especially to MY plan.

Well, although pack-up was tiring, exhausting and very sweaty (yea), its was still fun as, hey, its been a lon time since i had any physical exhaustion, and that felt good.........

OK, thats not the point. The point is that i didnt manage to give charmaine the present.

WTF!!!!!!!!!

And i hate myself for that. Yea, i dont really like giving belated presents, especially one which i have already planned to give her on that day and didnt manage to get to.

DAMN

I should've met her in the morning and gave it to her.
I should've given it to her during work.
I should've meet up with her for lunch and give it to her although there's many people there.
I should've told her to wait for me while i throw the damn cartons away
I should've just GIVEN IT TO HER.

AND i should'nt have given a damn what the freaking raymond will say.

Dammit, i hate how things never go my way, even a small plan like this gets screwed up pretty badly.

Im pissed already, so dont go around spreading i like charmaine or not, eh.

Yea, i do like her, but not in a bf-gf way. Its just a good friend thing, so dont even think of exaggerating things. Please, dont piss me off even further. I dont know what i'll do next, cuz im pretty much have enough of it, all thanks to raymond's ji siao and whining.

2009-02-24T23:41:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARMAINE!!!

xDxDxD

2009-02-22T00:23:00.005+08:00

Haha, messaged her the whole day today. Happy she's talking to me now, hope that our friendship will last for a long long time this time round. xD

Yep, it sure is nice to finally be able to talk to her. Im so darn relieved. =D

Oh, and yep, she read my blog. LOLS.

HIHI~!

Erm, hope that whatever's making you unhappy will go away quickly, and please dont be sad, eh. Anything can call me, i 25/7 always ready de. xD

Yea, so bu yao ke qi hor! Thats what friends are for!

And wth, i need a new handphone. =.=
My current hp's too "crispy" le, although its a hardy phone i need one that can store more messages, play songs etc...
Awww.

~~Fighting the urge to buy later at taka.~~
-.-

2009-02-20T23:42:00.001+08:00

Aww man... I was just informed 2 days ago that next wednesday's my last day at work.

Darn, and i was under the impression i was working at Goldlion till poly term starts. T.T

And jessica my sales rep asked me if i wanted to work at expo. Im actually alfight with it, but its soooooooo far and my train fare's going to be real ex. Ouch. And im seriously thinking of whether to find another job, preferbly the one selling keyboards at Casio (?) which charmaine "intro-ed" to me.

Oh yea, and i bought charmaine's present already, and told erjie what was it, but i guess she was under the impression i had not buy it yet. Its something from Precious Thots, those figures which have some meanings whatsoever and you can only put it on a stand and look at it. Erjie says its too oldie, and said im better off buying a wallet or something for her. =.= Yea, and it will seem that everytime charmaine takes out her wallet she'll think of me. Man, why is it so difficult for a guy to buy a girl a gift? As a FRIEND, mind you.

And, oh, i cant buy a cake on that day to celebrate her birthday along with ray and erjie and maybe some other people cuz it will melt and not taste so good. =.=

RAWR!

And, omg. She messaged me, suddenly, out of the blue. She's using a new number, so i didnt know who it was. She said:

err. i got something to tell you. lol. know i have been avoiding you since what you said on new year yea? lol, just wanna tell you tha ti wont le. serious! ;D
And she said that she hopes that we can still be best friends.

OMG IS IT REALLY HER?!?!

I was truely speechless and in a lost. Yea, i didnt know what to say, Suddenly everything feels like a dream. For a moment i was lost, dumbfounded, mentally incapable of logical thinking and seriously... blur.

Than it hit me.

And i was hysterical.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Yea, i was damn high la! I mean, are you kidding. I was sooo afraid she was avoiding me, and its not that i lost a chance of being woth her or anything, its that i've lost a good friend.

~~~So High~~~

But then realised that it was an unknown number, and it could be a prank. Yea, im not sure. Im jubilant and afraid at the same time. Its not her handphone, and although she said its her new prepaid line its still too... sudden.

And how would i know if it isnt a prank.

Now i AM confused. Haix. Seriously, it seems too good to be true... Even how much i want it to be true, i really dont wanna be played. Like a fool...

2009-02-18T00:39:00.002+08:00

Yay! Got my pay 2 days ago! Its my salary for Jan! xDxDxD

Haha, got $1.2k++ AFTER CPT! WOOTS!

But then i realised that i used $800 last month. O.o

Wtf dammit, im using money too fast. -.-

I have to stop myself from withdrawing money so many times. Argh<

Haha, there's a fair at talking hall in taka, and goldlion's participationg in it, so i went and helped do the set-up. Haha, it was tiring, and time flew. But it was fun. Yeps, fooled around with erjie while working. Lols.

But in the end, i cant work at the talking hall cuz it'll leave 1 full-time and 2 part-timers on the main floor (level 3). Yea, and the part-time auntie jenny will get scared when dajie leaves, leaving her with charmaine. =.=

SO i have to work back at level 3 while charmaine goes down. Haix, but its ok. Only that jenny keeps nagging. Niam here, niam there. Wth, im so frustrated with her constant nagging.............

Rawr, and i just know that my last day of work's on the 25 of Feb, which is next wednesday, Wth, that was sudden. I was under the impression i could work until poly term reopens...

Oh yea, important note. CHARMAINE'S BIRTHDAY IS NEXT WEDNESDAY, 25 FEBRUARY!!!
Aww... wat should i get for her? Lemme see... Right now my plan's to countdown her birthday for her, with a present which i need to think and get ASAP and maybe some muffins and candles. xD
Oh. and on her birthday itself i'll go order a cake from Crystal Jade to celebrate her birthday. HAHA, im a good friend, eh! xD

2009-02-15T03:00:00.005+08:00

Lols, im back home from pool. Yep, went for pool with raymond and daniel after work. LOLS, it was packed everywhere. Yea. Its Valentines Day.

Lols, went to see joreen at taka square during my break, and we chatted for awhile. Then she said something like she saw alot of couples with roses, bouquets, baskets of stuff etc etc, and she said ya lor, wo chi cu. Haha, so i decided to get a rose for her at the flower shop at B1.

A single stalk of rose costs $8.50... Haha, a little diao, but nevermind. Hey, its a PINK rose, mind you. =.=

Different colours of roses have different meanings.
RED stands for love, passion
PINK stands for friendshop
BLACK stands for mysteriousness
WHITE stands for innocence
YELLOW stands for... she qing. You pervert (HAHAHA)

Well, i dont know the other meanings of the other colours.

Wanted to give it to her in the middle of taka square, so that she will paiseh, but when i got there she was gone.

-.- She went for her break. =.=

Called her up and she was in the staff canteen. Thought there'ss be lots of people there, but in the end it was almost mo one.

Wahlao, no fun. :( T.T

LOLS, so i just passed it to her lor, she a little paiseh la. Then she joked, saying her wish had been fufilled. HAHA.

Valentines, the day of fun yet still so sorrow

2009-02-14T00:09:00.003+08:00

Happy Valentines Day to all!!!

Darn im late.. =.=

Haha, to those who have their loved ones, celebrate valentines with your partner and cerish every moment, because every moment's precious. To those who dont have yet, dont fret, you'll find yours in time, its only a matter of time. xD

But what i preach, i dont practice
It doesn't apply to me

2009-02-13T23:09:00.002+08:00

Lols, im supposed to off from tursday to sunday, for 4 days. But erjie last minute got an mc cuz she got bitten by some kind of bug/worn and her thigh got swollen... Eww.

Yep, so when i got up i 12.45, i saw the missed calls and the message she sent me, so i called her back. In the end, i went to work at 2pm... Haix. im tired, but i dont mind it since im helping erjie.

Rawr, so my 4 days of off is cut to only 2 days...

Yep, ejie's also off tomorrow cuz she got 2 days mc... Haix, looks like im working on valentines, not that i have a date or any friends to go out with... Haix... The solemness and the sadness...

Yea, its not that i dont want to go out, its that there's practically no one i can go out with. Feel like messaging her happy valentines or something, but, for get it. She would most probably won't want me to be messaging er anyway. She'll be waiting for someone else, and its just not me...

Im counting down myself to another sad, boring, solemn, lonely valentines...

2009-02-13T06:11:00.003+08:00

LOLS... Just got back home from erjie's house... PLayed mahjong there with erjie, raymond, jickson and erjie's husband...

Yawn... Sleepy....

Won $14 because of the last game where i won $19.20... Yep, without that game i would have lost around 5 bucks... Its was a full 5 tai, and i got the last tile myself, zi muo. Phew, heng sia.. All the way i was losing money, and i only aimed to recoup my losses...

But cab fare about $19 cuz the uncle pressed on the bill when raymond got out, when im still continuing onto yishun. Dammit, lost $4-5 for nothing, and that uncle earned that amount for free. =.=

Yawnz... Going to sleep now... Zzz..............................

2009-02-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

Hahas, went to meet Charmaine up today! Actually wanted to watch Bride Wars with her, cuz i promised her before, but amk hub doesnt have that movie anymore, and she cant go far, so we went down to the cinema at amk hub anyways to see what movie to watch.

Yep, and she was wearing yellow! xD

So in th end, we watched The Wedding Game. Lols, didnt realise it, but Fann Wong is quite pretty, but i guess its because she doesnt look so thin on the screens than in reality...

Haha, quite a decent show, actually. Lols. A little funny bits here and there, in the end the male lead and female lead fell in love. Haha, typical.

By the time the movie ended, we were freezing, so we went out of hub to walk around. Also owed Charmaine a meal, so when we were near Jubilee we decided to eat at the jap restaurant there. For got what its called, is it Ajisen...? I have no idea... Hahas

I got myself a teriyaki beef with sashimi and mayo egg balls bento, while Charmaine ate a bowl of...Scallops ramen, i think. =D

Haha, so i treated her to the meal, and while eating we chatted for alot of things. Really, i think she's stepped into the small circle of good friends i have. xD YAY!

Haha, so we walked around a little, and she went to buy baby powder before going home. Of cause, i sent her home. DUH. Thats the most basic thing a guy should do for a girl, no matter is it a friend or a girlfriend.

But she needed to fetch her younger brother home, so we sat at the playground and waited until it was time to fetch him home.

Crikey, if all 5 year-olds are like that, im so going to marry asap. Haha, just a thought

I mean, wow, her brother seems especially bright for a 5 year-old. Lets not forget the cute factor and innocence which resonates around children. That boy is just to lovable.

Haha, so i sent both of them back home, not before playing with Bryan (yea, thats Charmaine's brother's name). HAHAHA

2009-02-11T22:55:00.002+08:00

Okay... Now im officially in Singapore poly, taking Information Communications Technology. Darn, on second thoughts i should've put nyp couses... -.-

Oh yea, went to erjie's house for mahjong again.. xD Yep, this time played with jickson and raymond. Hahaha. Won $4 only.. Haha, cant even cover my cab fees. Awwww....

Haix, now there's segregation at the workplace... But today, it wasnt so bad. Suddenly ivan n auntie alice started talking to the other people. Tes, chit-chatting with other people. When sanjie wan transferred, by the office's decision, they were, like, so mad at the people there, especially us, the Goldlion people. Wtf, like its our fault la, people there complain erjie also put in alot of good words for sanjie what... Wtf he get so mad for what...

Either there're faking it, there're afraid for their job or afraid of getting complained and transferred or its just their new gameplan. Dammit, i hate people who play mindgames for this puny purpose...

People can be so insensitive and petty sometimes. And i hate that, all the hypocrisy, all the smiles when what's hidden behind it is a dagger ready to strike when you least expected; when your unguarded.

2009-02-09T01:14:00.003+08:00

Heyhey..! Business isnt good these days... Sales wasnt good... Haix, and my pay is commission-based.. After Christmas and the New year, business will drop drastically, so right now im practically eating grass. -.-
Yea, and im working till poly term starts, so my pay will be quite screwed nowadays...

Haha, planned to play pool with Raymond, Dannel and Si An after work, but something cropped up... SOmething happened to Charmaine, and i was worried about her. So i had actually wanted to forgo the game, but when i called her she was in a cab going somewhere, so she told me it was ok.

So i went to play pool with them. Was fun, eh. Won the first round teamed with dannel, and lost the second one teamed with Si An, but we put up a good fight, and had actually won if not for Si An who forgot to say which hole he's going to hit the black ball.. Argh.. =.=

Went back home after the 2 rounds, which lasted about 30 minutes, and costs $3.30. Yea, thats lame. Hahaha

On the way back Si An commented saying im not going to meet my friend ah, as its still early. So i got the idea to go find Charmaine. Met her at the viod deck of her house, and chatted a little. Yep, im worried for a friend, can.

So, she can be considered to be my... 4th good friend i know to know alot more about me than others, but she's the 3rd current friend, as, hey, you know what happened to the actual 3rd good friend... haix.

Going to bed. Have to start jogging... Too many sleepless nights, so im too lazy to even wake up for a run..
Have to remember. Have to sleep early.

Nights! =D

2009-02-08T01:39:00.007+08:00

Haha, went to the class gathering today. Or yesterday actually... Darn it i have to try and blog before the nights are over... =(

LOLS, woke up at 10.26 today, and i freaking thought i was late. Supposed to meet at 11am at amk mrt station. Awww

Suprisingly, i was the first to arrive. Then jiachern came but didnt see me, so i went out to meet him.
In total, 16 people went to the gathering. 14 were at the mrt, 1 was late and 1 dropped by to say hi and left. =(

Yep, so the people who went are...:
Mingyan-ME
Jiachern
Arun
Rakesh
Jessica
Mandy
Yijuan
Jieqi
Jaemeng
Benjamin
Jeremy
Jinhan
Fengrong
Dannel
Zigui- LATE
Shiyuan- dropped by

HAHA, we stood in a big circle in the mrt trying to decide what to eat... Finally decided to have unch at Pizza Hut. Lols, i dont have much good memories there, all the eating-not-more-than-2-pieces-of-pizza-and-going-hungry and im always the last to be served. Rawr.

Yep, ordered 4 set meals, one meal is enough for 4 people... SO we just sat there chatting waiting for the food.. Jieqi's still so quiet, jinhan too is quiet and only whispers to benjamin who sits beside her, dannel is stil friendly as ever but his voice's all weird- he claims its because of all the cheering, and jiachern's still as random and lame as ever. Or even more. HAhaha.

Zigui came awhile after that and sat down do dine, but shiyuan came and said she was around the area so she dropped by. Awww, too bad. She looks taller, and she's... thin. Yea, worried... O.o

So all in all, the bill came up to... lemme see... wtf i lost the recipe. =.=
Its about $234.45 in all, and each one of them, seeing the amount was so much and felt guilty (heh! hahaha), so each gave $10, in all $140.
So $234.45-$140= $94.45
Yea. its suppose to be about $49.80 each, so around $199.20 altogether. Apparetly the GST and service charge amounts to more than $30. OUCH
Yep, so i paid the rest, Double OUCH. Haha, but i dont mind, i think... I already said i was going to pay for it in the first place... =X

But there were some pizzas left, 6 slices left. So they pushed it to me as i paid the most. =.=
Decided to bring it to taka and give anyone eating at that time. Lols

But apparently all of them followed me to taka. Yea, funny how big a group we make up, like tourists visiting singapore. Haha. Have to leave without much of a gooodbye when we reach taka, as it was already 2pm and dajie's wating for me bafore she can go for her break.

So long, 6B! Hope we can have another gathering! And also hope more people goes! xD
Although we may need another sponsor then to intise all of us to meet, thanks jc for reminding me that... -.-

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOLS, went for a movie after work with ray, and watched Underworld: Rise of the Lycans. Yea, thats a REALLY cool movie, with all the fights, killings, bloodshed and gore. O.o am i such a sadist? Hahaha

Yep, we were bored and wanted to catch a movie, and apparently we cant get anyone else to come. Hey, its 11pm show. Who the hell would go for a movie at such a short notice and so late...?! Zzz...

Yawn.. Nights all... Have to sleep, eh... To many sleepsless nights... not enough sleep... ah... nights...

ZZZ

2009-02-04T01:24:00.002+08:00

Ha. Hahaha... Im appealing for poly couse.. Yep, thats what im gonna do.

Wtf, where is the Information Technology for NP gone...? I coulda sworn i saw it there on when i went and check the courses available for me to appeal... Dammit where has it gone?

Chossing between NP or SP's IT course... Because i want to go into the business option it offers... Darn, now im forced to put SP's IT as first choice, even though it has a better diploma but i prefer NP's couse as the business option couse structure is better... Between a better diploma or a better couse structure, i think i rather choose the latter.....

Oh yea, did i mention i contacted some people from m primary 6 classmates? Hahaha, we havent met up for a long time now... Somehow, i missed 6B, maybe cuz its the year everyone's still naive and innocent...

Yea, but JC started school, so its gonna be hard to meet up... Oh, yea, i said lunch will be my treat on the gathering, which is this sat, and jiachern somehow blow it up and told everyone he could get hold of, yea, and it just... Went out of hand.. Haha, if the whole class's coming for the gathering, or at least almost all because i said i was treating. do i get a prize or plaque or something...? Like "honarary member of 6B" or something like that.. Haha, that'll be nice.. =D

Darn, there's gonna be a blackhole in my pocket. Haha xD

2009-01-31T06:06:00.003+08:00

LOLS.. Just got back home from erjie's house... Went there with raymond and played mahjong with erjie and her husdand.. =D Haha im damn tired sia... yawn...

Oh yea, i won about $7++.. Did i mention that i was at lewis's house last night playing mahjong too? Yep, my mahjong skills are improving... Won once at lewis's house and at erjie's house le... xD Or is it because my luck's changed for the better in the new year? hmm...

2 days without enough sleep... Less then 5 hours of sleep... Im so gonna be exhausted at work.. =(

Rawr

2009-01-30T11:10:00.002+08:00

Im screwed. Badly...

Yea, got my posting results today...

And it sucked..

Posted to my 7th choice, biomedical engineering... Darn it im really lost now...

Should i just accept it and chiong even if i dont like it...? Or do i appeal for another course, and what course should i appeal? Or should i just retake my 'O' as a private candidate...???

Questions i dont have an answer to... And im really confused.. I dont know what i want in my life, i have no aims, no goals......

IM JUST A LOST SOUL, A FALLEN ANGEL...

2009-01-26T23:55:00.004+08:00

Heya, its the first day if the new year! =D

Im bored. Seriously, i have to find something to do... My butt hurts from sitting on the chair using my lappy or reading GoW... Darn it, i hate cny... There's nothing for me to do, and how i wished taka didnt close so at least i can preoccupy myself with work...

Yea, i hate it here in this hell-hole...

Haha, chatted with shiyuan on msn... Long time no see sia.. Ok its also been a long time since we chatted. Haha, the conversation made me feel so much better.. And how i realised we've (people in general) changed over the years... Im worried about her, ja, she seems ill or something... Hope she's alright! xD Yea, and she looks even prettier now.. HAHA Chatted about alot of things, and yea that includes personal stuffs...

Yay, she told me maybe some ex-6B-classmates are meeting up on thursday... Im working then, but still hope to see them! =)

Haha, going to my brother's house for mahjong... Even though i dont really like it much.. Ha. LOLS, brought my lappy there cuz i know someone's gonna be late. For sure. -.-

Yep, im going now! So long!

I prefer helping others rather than myself... Why am i like that, i have no idea...

2009-01-25T21:29:00.004+08:00

Taka closes early today, so im going home early. Going for the reunion dinner, but wth whats the point.. Everything's not what they seem, everyone's just play-acting... And im tired of all the acting....

Went to Kinokuniya during my lunch break to get some books to read, yea i suddenly have an urge to read some books. SO i went in and bought 3 books: Twilight, Gears of War and Hellgate book 1. Wieee didnt want to leave the store, cuz its like all these years i've been missing out on so much. There's too many good books, and all these years i havent touched a single book because that bas**** killed my passion for reading. Hope this rekindles me reading xD

Yep, im buying some books to read during the 1st and 2nd day of CNY... I have no place to go, and nothing to do, so i'll just find a quite place outside to rot, or read these books...

Finally, some time for me to sit down and ponder over somethings... My life's chaotic enough, and i need this time to... rest. reflect. damn.
To love is one thing, to be loved is another entirely.. Why is it so hard for me to find someone who actually likes me...? Im tired of falling for girls whom i have no chance with, whom i can never be good enough for. Im sick of all this... I want out

I like her, but she doesnt like me... I may want the best for her, but still its painful... I wake up everyday thinking about her, and the more i think the heavier my heart becomes... I really want to talk to her, to see her smile, to look her in her eyes... To hear her sing for me... But in my heart i know these can never happen... Im not the kind of charismatic guy whom girls will like...

Why must things be this way..? Is it already the end? Im suffering... real badly... And im shouldering all this pain all by myself... Now, even with no hope left... I really wished i had not told her the truth.... To see what things are now and i could only blame myself for it... Blame myself for being so stupid.. T know that there's no hope and still go for it, and now im regretting...

If only i had not told her, at least i would still be talking to her... At least i can still hear her voice, see her smile, even though me myself's hurting... But at least we're still friends then...

Its too late for regrets now... What's done cannot be undone... And not only have i lost hope, i've lost a friend, possibly even a good friend.....

2009-01-25T01:03:00.004+08:00

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!!
Gong Xi Fa Cai to all!

Mwahaha its the lunar new year!
xD
She went to work today, saw her when i went to work at 11am..
Didnt went to k-box like we planned to after work, so me, raymond, geraldine and jickson went to Macs at lucky plaza for supper.
But, hell... There wasnt any "hi-s", no "bye bye" when she left... Damit i dont think she even looked at me...
Jickson told us about his hobbies and CCAs when he was back in school. Super hilarious sia.. xDxDxD Funny guy.
Yea, i realised that she was gone, so i saw her for only a few minutes...
Totally a crazy day, yesterday that is... goldlion has 5 promoters in all, 2 part-timers and 3 full-timers... namely me and charmaine, and jennifer (dajie!), alice (erjie!) and meifang (sanjie!)...
Charmaine wasnt here cuz she went to malaysia... and sanjie needed to rush to catch her bus to go back to malaysia, and at that time dajie and erjie went for dinner... So im running the whole place all by meself, the casual waer side, the business shirt side and the business pants side, whereby the casual and the shirts are SUPER SUPER messy, like clothes everywhere.. =.=
... yea, so i'll take it as though we're not friends... like i said before, if we cant be friends, than forget it. If the situation calls for it or whenever im able to, i will disappear from her sight... and i will not bother her ever. What are friends when you dont even talk to each other, or even look at each other...?!

2009-01-24T02:15:00.004+08:00

Yay!
Bought a new bag from 4Skins! Woots! Haha bought it on thursday, just in time to use it for gym in the morning with raymond. Yep, this cool huge bag comes with a hefty price of $79.90. $$$Chi-ching$$$
Yea, and raymond dont have money but really wants to buy it (he brought me there in the first place), so i helped him pay for it first. Thats about $160 gone. T.T
She went to taka today, apparently, and i didnt know it... Guess she didnt want to see me...not one bit... I had no idea she was here until i read her blog a little while ago...
I guess things that dont meant to be, will never meant to be. No matter how much you long for it.......
Haha, its work day in and out! Oh, and we all may be celebrating on saturday night. Haha, going k-box or something.. Just to chill and have fun, i guess! xD

Waitaminute...! Thats today! Mwahahaha

2009-01-20T23:48:00.003+08:00

Haha its raymond's first day of work today, at taka working for the brand Guy Laroche. =X hehe of course, im the one who intro-ed him the job.

Funny, its a little weird that someone i know is working in the same place as me. Well, when i started work until now everyone i knew here was when i got here, so seeing him standing there's somehow... weird. Lols.

Hmm not bad... He's getting used to his first day quickly... And he;s talking to everyone at work. Ok, not everyone, but i guess all the youngsters (?), eh.

Hehe, must work hard to earn more money, although right now i dont know what to buy.
Hmm maybe a new bag and handphone... xD

Yea, and sent charmaine back home again. Lols, really man the road to her block's really REALLY dark. But i get to see stars, a few times the full moon (yay!) and even another galaxy. Hey, it cant be the milky way, i mean, we ARE in the mikly way...

2009-01-20T01:01:00.005+08:00

Aww im late in posting again... This should be ytd's post.. =D

Haha today was a funny day, really. Went for dinner during the break with erjie, zhiwei and annie at the staff canteen. While eating, i said i havent bought my chinese new year clothes, and im lazy to buy it although i feel like taking a look at some clothes. Hey, my wardrobe's tiny, ok! I need some clothes for the new year and more importantly poly... xD

Erjie then said we faster eat then later go giordano to have a look... So we faster ate (actually zhiwei was the one who chiong-ed his food cuz he was the last to order it), and walked to giordano. Lols, there's when they practically threw clothes at me to try... -.- Yea wtf.. Hahaa. They got me to try about 10 items in the short 30mins of break we have left... xD Yea, told erjie i dont have so much money with me, and she told me nevermind she help me pay first.. Paiseh lor, but she's nice! xD thats why she's my erjie

But didnt have time to buy it as we're already late, so we reserved it and RAN back to our counter.. LOLS, that WAS funny, we all running back to taka.. =X

Then, at around 6.15, erjie told me to go up to the POSB bank at the 4th floor to make my nets card, which i've been saying i want to make one for the past week xD. SO i went up and queued for it, blah blah blah, and finally got it. Wow. Wow. WOW YEY FINALLY! xD

Then when i got back, erjie told me she's goin down to help me get my clothes, but i told her since i got my nets card, i myself can go pay for it le. Yay, and also as i spend more than $100, i got a free membership for Giordano. Haha. My handphone number's my account number, but they told me they need a 6-digit password. Lols wtf i was taken aback hahaha. In the end, everything's settled. Spend a total of $117... Hahaha

Yay, new year shopping done! Yippie!

2009-01-17T01:56:00.003+08:00

Haha, now there's a new part-timer at the Goldlion casual wear (ok, she's been there for, like, 6 days or so...?), her name's Charmaine. Cool, she's more mature than the general population of 92's from my point of view, hahaha.

We get along well, yea. She talked about some personal things, and i did too. LOLS. Seriously, this is strictly a GOOD FRIEND. Not everyone whom i tell my personal feelings and problems are girls whom i like. =.=

Yea, went for supper with her after work a few times, at amk central, S-11.. Then walked her home before going home myself, as hell she stays so near amk central, and i can just walk to yck mrt from there. So im already there, why not send her home. Its not really safe for a girl to walk along so late. xD

Well, it seems more clear now that im not the only one with problems. Every family have their own problems, it just depends on how serious things become, sooner or later. Im starting to see things in a new light since starting work, i guess im maturing...? =D
Funny thing though, im back in my "sian" mode, but im not so negative now, sometimes. Damn, having to deal with all this is really, really tough.

Oh yea, and i got my salary xD when i updated my bankbook. $****.** Yea, i was surprised at the amount. Didnt really thought i'll see this amount =D Woots.

Do i still think about her? Why is the memory of her etched in my heart, even thought it was just a short meeting? My heart's heavy, and its a burden to walk around putting on a mask. Im tired, seriously, im damn tired. Why must i be the type of guy whose so faithful, even though it will never work out? Haix, regrets, regrets...

2009-01-13T10:27:00.003+08:00

Got my 'O' level results yesterday. Wasnt good, at all. L1R5= 22, L1R4= 17.

Lols regretted that i didnt study for my 'O's... Alot of problems contributed to me not studying...
Hey, i know i've got to study, but i didnt. That's why im regretting... Sometimes, its better to come out and experience the world and working life, then one will mature more... ---> it sounds better in chinese =.=

Then my father started to kp me. Called me on the phone and kpkb like crazy, of course i dont have to listen to it all, i just put my hp in my pocket and went back to work. 5 minutes later he's still screaming to himself.

Come on la, its my life. Why do u freaking care? Wait, care is a wrong word. You FUCKING CONTROL FREAK. Come la, wujilai. Dont jiaowei with me. You want come then u come. Im not afraid of death, are you. Even if i die, i will pull u along.

Yea, but i also want out. Singapore's law sucks man, if your father kicks you outta the house, and you dont want to go back when HE wants you back, the court rules that YOUR at fault, cuz your underage and still under "parental control". Wtf, screw it. I want to leave, and i'll half study, half work to do that.

Right now considering going to poly or taking as private candidate. Seriously, i dont mind taking as private. Without him i confirm can study de. Its only the money thats a problem.

IM ALWAYS ALONE IN THIS WORLD, ITS ME AGAINST THE WORLD, AND IM PUTTING UP A LOST FIGHT.
LIFE SUCKS, WHY AM I STILL HERE..?

2009-01-12T08:02:00.004+08:00

Here's a song i've really liked for a long time, of which the meaning is deep, and it applies to how i feel now...
The song is Guilty by Blue

I never want to play the games that people play
I never want to hear the things they gotta say
I've found everything that i need
I never wanted anymore than i can see
I only want you to believe

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am i supposed to do
When all i want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If its wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then i'm guilty

I want to give you all the things you never had
Don't try to tell me how he treat you isn't bad
I need you back in my life
I never wanted just to be the other guy (be the other guy)
I never wanted to live a lie

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am i supposed to do
When all i want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If its wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then i'm guilty

Girl i followed my heart
Followed the truth
RIght from the start it led me to you
Please don't leave me this way
I'm guilty now all i have to say

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am i supposed to do
When all i want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If its wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then i'm guilty

What am i supposed to do
Then i'm guilty
All i want to do is speak my mind
Guilty
Then i'm guilty
I'm prepared to testify
If it's wrong to do what's right then tell me about this feeling inside
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
I'm Guilty

2009-01-10T23:46:00.010+08:00

31st December 2008
The day i will regret forever..

Well... Had actually wanted to go countdown with her, along with my colleagues at taka.. She already said she may not go, as she was feeling unwell, but somehow i got the impression that she was going, as just before she left for home i told her i'll wait for her at her void deck, and she said ok.

But there was a last minute shopper at my counter, so i cant leave along with her, and wanted to try on 4 (!!!!!!) shirts. Dammit, im late man, but i have no choice... Finally, after he tried it on, he chose one he wanted, i was pissed off at him buying only one but at least his gonna leave soon, before he said that it was a wedding gift and wanted it in a freaking box and wrapped. Tracy helped me wrap it, but still hes wasting my freaking time.

Finally walked out of taka at 10. So i rushed home to get ready to meet her before going for the countdown. By the time i reached yishun, i had tried calling her and her home MANY times, but my freaking hp just cant call through.. When i was finally able to get through, her mom picked up the phone and told me that she was still showering. Well, at that point i decided to chiong shower and wear my shirt and skinny...

I chiong-ed to her void deck to wait for her, and called her again, but she was still showering.. Wth its already 11.05, and its impossible to reach marina bay at this time.... tried calling meifang and ivan not to wait for me, but again my freaking hp just cant call through. Waited outside her house now... and called her again. Finally, shes out, and she was shocked that i was there, cuz she said that she told me shes not going already...

WTH... A last minute But she invited me in, and her mom also invited me. Wth, i've never stepped into a girl's house ALONE. and i never planned to do so. Wad made me walk in, i dont know, but at this point of time its all still ok..

Went into her house and sat beside her and watched tv, with her mom also watching tv but sat a little further away.. Then, her father came home, and boy was it awkward for me.. all of us sat in the living room watching tv, but there was somewhat an awkward silence, i guessed its because of me.

Then, she led me to her room. Yea, its weird for me, i've NEVER stepped into a girls's room. NEVER.

Well, we chatted about some things, mostly about her, something personal to her. I promised her not to tell anyone, and no matter what happens, I WILL NOT BREAK THAT PROMISE.

Then, wow, its the new year already. We missed the countdown, hahaha...

But, theres some things i kept in my heart, and im aching to say it out. Its the new year, eh, so there are some things i want to be tan bai... Although im regretting it now....

Well. i guess i went around the bush, many rounds. I told her about the pain when i lianai another girl before her, and how painful the 3 years was, how burdening the pain was, and how i cried myself to sleep sometimes. And then, i told her that there's something i want her to know, but im afraid i'll scare her away, and i dont want to scare her or anything. She laughed a little, cuz its obvious wad i wanna say.

I told her initially i was attracted to her, but hell i was attracted to many girls ( Sisca became my true friend, shimin a friend, gladys.. erm i dont think we really talked much, and her *another her* whom i liked for so many years). But somehow or rather, as time goes by, i think the attraction grew, and i think i fell in love with her. How i had thought about her, how i felt pain in my heart comparable to the pain i felt when i liked *another* her for 3 years... But how i know its useless, cuz she wont like me, and how i assured her not to worry, cuz i'll force myself to give up and forget her, and how much i want us to still stay as friends.

Well... i had wanted to give up... Its too painful for me to fall in love again, and i'll rather have a knife pierce my heart now than get stabbed in the heart everyday. I really felt that it was hopeless, but at the same time, i allowed myself. Just allowed myself a little hope that she may just like me.

But as i guessed, its impossible. Hey, i dont have the looks, the cash, or the brains. All i have is my heart, but no one seems to be able to see it. Its like... Shen bu ru si.

I also asked her if her like me... She kept quiet... Well, im not surprised, really. I guess the answer's obvious enough...

It must have been weird enough for her, too, to hear me say all this in HER HOUSE, in HER ROOM. Im sorry, sorry, sorry.

Things were never the same after this, and i regretted my action, ALOT. Why was i so stupid to tell her i liked her? I should have shouldered the pain myself, so that i wont make things difficult for her.

Yea, sure. I regret my actions, but it happened already. Hell, it still hurts, but at least i said it all out, and this should have snuffed out all hopes i have, altho is only a little.

LOVE HURTS. Like hell...
Things will never be the same again

4th January 2009

Its her last day of work today... i worked morning shift today, and was surprised to see her there too (hey, i didnt know she's working morning too). She bought Ferrero Roches to give out to the colleagues, but she didnt give it to me personally. From here on, i kept thinking something's wrong, well it already is, but i just have the feeling she's avoiding me...

Yea, and my fears came through...

During work she didnt give me a single eye contact, she walks away when i get close, and she doesnt talk to me. Normally she would smile at me, or just talk to me, but not today. Ok fine its been like this for quite awhile now... haix, my heart's so heavy...

Yea, and things got quite busy... In the end both of us worked full (i think she's already working full de, and i knocked off a little earlier then her cuz she work until close)... There was one time, when there's still alot of customers around but she's just standing there leaning against the wall, i couldnt help it but to go talk to her, cuz i have something i really want to say to her.. I went up to her, and asked her is she free after work, could we meet cuz i said i have something i need to tell her. She replies, as though i've hurt her, that she's not free, cuz its late and she have school the next day. I then ask can i meet her after work, as in i wait for her, then she also replied nonchalently dont want, as she have school the next day... I begged her, saying i only need 5 minutes, but again she denied me the time. And also when i accidentally meet her in the storeroom, she never once looked at me, and there was an awkward silence. I didnt dared to say anything, even though i really wanted to...

Then Si An said that after work, Daniel wants to go Lucky Plaza to look for a bluetooth headset, and i got the impression that she's also going along, so i readily replied ok.

Im so dejected man... The feeling sux alot... While waiting, i planned how i should say what i want to say to her... Its something like this...
When we reach yishun, i would quietly follow her, behind her, to send her back home. Then when i get the chance, i've planned to ask her only 2 questions and say a sentence of what i want to say, then i'll leave straight away...

The first question would be: Are you avoiding me.
Then, whether the answer's yes or no, i'll ask her
The second question: Can we still be friends? ---> Nan dao wo men nian peng you ye bu neng zuo le ma?
If the answer's yes, i'll tell her, im a very loyal friend, and i very zong friends, nonetheless good friends. So if your willing to be my friend, dont hesitate to come to me when your in need, im here 25/7 standby de, even if you want me to come out at 3am in the morning i'll drag myself out of bed de, cuz that's who i am...
But is the answer's no. i'll tell her, Ok, sua. You wont see me ever again, cuz i'll disappear whenever your around. Even when you see me i'll just walk away, and i wont bother you anymore no matter what. And, so yea, you dint have to worry about seeing me.

After work, met Daniel, SiAn, Jorene and her, but she left suddenly with Jorene, cuz we were walking to lucky when we found they were not with us, and i thought its all over. Yea, it felt hopeless then, then Daniel came up with a plan to play her, actually to call her and tell her to wait for him, he has something to say to her. And, omg, how happy i was. Yea, to at least, have the hope of having the chance of saying what i wanna say.

On the way back, i diam diam all the way, didnt say a single word. Hell, im afraid now. Scared shit outta my pants. Im afraid of what her answer might be, and althought i really want to get this straight, im the one who will carry this pain with me, not her.

When we alight at yishun, she got a phone call, and she talked all the way while walking home, and i silently followed behind her. Damn, how hopeless was i, i was afraid now that i wont get a chance to make things clear with her. Finally, she put down the phone when nearing her block, so i walked faster to meet her at the lift.

What hurts the most, was facing her and actually saying what i had planned to say, and watching her as though nothing was wrong, how she laughed when she answered to my first question, saying "no la", and how weird i was acting. How "normal" things were, how she was acting, really...really... i dont want to talk about it, the disappointment i feel, the pain, the sadness, how stupid i felt i was to like, again, someone who will ever like me and whom im not fit for. Seeing her... acting... broke my heart.

2009-01-09T23:40:00.008+08:00

Posting the past, again... :p

24th December 2008

Yay!!! Its the eve of Christmas!!!
Worked full to day, xD, and went for countdown with kim, yingli, jiapei, tiff chia, lynn, xiaoqiang, meifang (san-jie!)and ivan. All coleagues at taka. Well, almost all xD

Is it just me, or was there a tug at my heart everytime i see her? Dammit, when i thought about her my heart grows heavy, and it aches like HELL, almost like how i felt in the past. I've only known her for awhile, how could i feel this way for her so quickly...?!

The whole lot of us went to Long John Silver at Cineleisure and chatted while we waited fir the countdown. Yea, and wanted to meet up with Alice ( er-jie!) at Plaza Sing for the countdown, but we missed the countdown there by 2 mins. =.=

Im confused, and had actually wanted to be good friends with her, since i rarely feel so open around others, before seeing if there's a chance to fa zhan... But...

Well er-jie was gone by then, so the lot of us (excluding meifang n ivan who left before the countdown) went walking around the shops in front of PS.. Yeaa and it was damn quite at PS. I repeat, it's QUITE, like there wasnt even a countdown there... Then walked to Cathay and sat in a deserted corridor outside the toilet and chatted. Well it wasnt really deserted, people walked by and kept looking (or starring) at us.

Damn, now i really dont know what i should do. I was hurt, badly, once, and i dont know if i can take another setback. Its bad enough to drop a hundred floors down once, what if it happens.

Then decided to go to a cafe pub somewhere opposite paradiz centre, called Alps cafe or something. Hey, we're all underaged except for xiaoqiang and yingli, but we were allowed to drink. darn i must ask yingli how the hell did we managed to walk in xD
But jiapei and kim, oh and lynn did not drink, altho lynn did sip a little of tiff's vodka... O.o

ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY

Haha, then took a cab home, but slept only at about 6.30... I must be mad, i have work the next day. MORNING SHIFT. Wth was i thinking -.-

Yea... i dont know if im ready to love again. Im really afraid, really. The option of forcing myself to give up and forget's really tempting... And she seems like someone who will never like me. Why the hell must i always like those who will never like me, those who im never good enough for.

2009-01-07T02:22:00.004+08:00

21th December 2008

Yay! Its Kimberley's birthday! Sorry, but im still reposting my past.. xD
Im working morning sift, again, and Kim's working full, AGAIN. Rawr.

Went to Crystal Jade after work to get a cake for kim's birthday, cuz i didnt manage to get a cake for her birthday countdown =(
Looked around, but all they have are log cakes which both of us surely cant finish, so i settled for 2 chocolate muffins with a mistletoe on top, made with coloured sugar, and asked for a candle. Lols, but i didnt have a lighter, so have to go but one... DUH.

Yea, but i dont know anywhere in Taka that sells a lighter, so i went to ask the security guard. They gave me some suggestions on where to look, and one thing they said was really..Diao.
The guard said:
Im sorry, we're not smokers, so we dont know where got sell lighter.

WTF IM MISTAKEN AS A SMOKER?!

Rawr, i just walked away... But do i really give such a bad impression...?

Anyway, waited for Kim at the back door, and woalla! Again she was shocked (i guess) seeing me. Haha, funny. So we went back home together, but stopped at my void deck to countdown the last minutes of her 16th birthday.
Yay, blow the candle already! xD Ate the muffins and talked a little... And sent her home before going home myself =D

Good times, eh. She said that im the first guy to be so nice to her. Heck, i dont believe her. With a girl like her, i dont think she will lack any suiters. Yea, for sure, so i was quite surprised at what she said.

Friends are the only people i will be good to, other than my good friends. Friends, i have some, but good friends, up until before i met Kim i only had 2: Sisca and Lewis. Its not everyday i find someone i can be so open to, and someone who is such a joy to be with. Now, i guess i can proudly announce that i have 3 good and true friends whom i can count on, and whom can count on me when im needed.
xD

Happy Birthday Kim! Hope u will be joyful as ever and, hey, your the BIGGEST on your birthday, hor! Guess you've been waiting a long time for this day! So remember: Listen to the good, forget the bad! =p

2009-01-05T23:10:00.014+08:00

20th December 2008

OMG, today i've finally realised something. See, i've liked a girl from sec 1 up until a month ago, and i just realised that i havent thought of her from sometime November onwards. OMG again.

Well, actually everyone knows i;ve liked her from sec 1. I mean, duh! This kindda thing spreads real fast, so even she knows that i liked her, but she never accepted me. NEVER. So, i've sorta "secretly" been in love with her for, like 3 years 7 months. WTH thats long... During this period, thinking about her is very painful.
Lemme say it again, LOVING HER HURTS like hell, and somehow the saying that it hurts like a thousand daggers piercing your heart applies here. Those who never experienced it will never understand how painful it is. And seriously, it hurts so badly i do cry while thinking about her. I never could imagine i could feel so much pain just by thinking about her. And wth, i dont even know what i like her for, i mean ive liked her for more than 3 years without even talking to her? Its hard to imagine, i know. I feel happy when i see her smile, although i know she isnt smiling at me, but still sometimes, people do get jealous and sad, nonetheless me. Why couldnt she see how much i like her? Am i so invisible to her? haix, love hurts, although this saying is so cliche as its overused and undermined. Sometimes i do wonder do i really like her, for so long, without a single word exchanged and i have no idea what her character is like. Yea, im confused, really confused.

But hell, i just, again, realised that i've not been thinking about her since around november. Im seriously surprised myself. HAHAHA cool, i didnt reach the 4-year mark. Thinking about her does not hurt anymore, and im so SO relieved =D. Finally, im free.

yay! Sorry but im still reminiscing about the past xD
Well, started work at Taka Mens wear on level3, at the Goldlion counter, sometime ago. Wieeeee people there are so friendly, and i bet no other counter's so carefree and friendy. OMGOMGOMG. There's a girl named Kimberley Chia Tingfang. this is how our conversation goes:
Kim: HI!!! Are you new here?
MY: Yes.
Kim: How old are you?
MY: 16. You?
Kim: Omg weirong guessed your age correctly *turns around at weirong and laughs*. Guess how old i am
MY: Erm... 16? 17?
Kim: No la im 20 years old. Cant tell right? *laughs loudly again (?)* No la im also 16. *Goes back to her counter still laughing*

LOLS. It wasnt until a few days after that when me, kim, weiqi, jiapei and yingli went for lunch together then i realised some-things about her. And im not kidding, this is REAL. Call it coincidence, or call it affinity. It goes something like this:
Kim: Where do you stay?
MY: Yishun.
Kim: Oh hahaha (at this point of time i get the impression she loves laughing xD) i stay at yishun too!
MY: Really...??? wth what a coincidence
**subject changes**
Kim: What school are you from?
MY: Presbyterian High
Kim: Kuo chuan or just presbyterian?
MY: Presbytarian high school... the one near....
Kim: OMG! do you know tiffany chia? Or lunn chia?
Ok, at this point of time i sorta freaked out. Why suddenly bring up tiff chia, and her cousin lynn chia? Then it hit me, kim's surname's also chia. (WTFOMG)
Yea, its so that Tiff Chia's cousin is Lynn Chia, so where does Kim come in? Simple. Kim's Tiff Chia's cousin and Lynn's sister.
Serious.
OMG.
WTF.
*am i dreaming?*

What's more, it doesnt end there. After work, went home together. Of course, since she stays at yishun too we went home together. When we alighted at yishun and tapped out....:
Kim: Where do you stay?
MY: Near the mrt
Kim: Wich part?
MY: Blk 213
And she bursts out laughing and well i have a nagging feeling i know what she's gonna say next. Kinda expected it xD
Kim: i stay at blk 221
MY: Blk 221...? er...
Kim: Its very near your house lor, just a few blocks away

Of course, i thought she was kidding me. Until i sent her home then i realised she's staying just 4 BLKS IN FRONT (or behind) my blk! OMGWTFRUKIDDINGME?!?!

20th December yay!
Hmm... tml's 21th Dec, Kim's birthday! well, as a friend im obliged to celebrate it with her, eh. And well, she gimme the idea to countdown with her for her birthday, so i decided on doing just that xD

Ok, im working the morning shift, so i knock off earlier than Kim---> she's doing full. I had it all planned:
Plan A:
Knock off- CHIONG HOME!!!
Shower, change into formal wear by8.30
Bring along money $$$ lots of money xD
Go to Mini toons at northpoint or the new wing to get a cuddly for her.
Be outside Taka back door by 10.30

Plan B:
Knock off- Choing to northpoint to get the present first!
Go home shower n change.
Be outside Taka back door by 10.30

Damn things didnt go as i planned. Shoulda listened to my conscious as when the mrt stopped at bishan and amk i had a thinking i should get down to either mini toons to get the present first, but didnt.
Went to northpoint then, but walked ALL TROUGHOUT northpoint and the new wing but couldnt find a mini toons. DAMNDAMNDAMN. I knew i was screwed, so i rushed home to shower and get dressed in my shirt n skinny. xD But its already.. 9.00 what im afraid of is that the mini toons at other outets are closed by the time i get there. ARGH!

So i rushed out and caught the mrt just as it was leaving the station... Chiong-ed to ank hub mini toons, and phew what a relieve, theres still so many people at the mini toons there doing some last minute shopping xD
Went in and looked areind , and something fluffy and white caught my eye. Yessir, its a white seal, and i quickly dropped the idea of a teddy bear cuz, well its old fashioned, the seal is so much nicer, the seal caught my eye, and the teddy bear there looks so... teddy-ish. Haha so i asked for a new one, but they dont have, so i could only take the whitest one on display. Wanted to wrap it up, but when i went to the wrapping counter thaey said i have to wait 30-45mins. WTF the time's already 9.30... Oh hell i could only wait, so i went to the quiet, empty staurcase at somewhere at 1st floor and waited. Waited. And waited.

Finally 30mins passed and i went back up to collect the present.Then rushed to Taka (yay!) and was still a little early. Lols, when Kim saw me... Hahaha i cant describe her expression. She was like "omg" and all.. xDxDxD
Went to Macs at northpoint as i was hungry, so while i was eating we counted-down hor birthday. haha.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMBERLEY! xD

Haha, she opened up the present i gave her... And named it Xiaobai™. She did tear a little, and i first thought i made her cry, but found out her x best friend (?) messaged her i think... Terrified of girls crying, as i'll think its my fault ><
Walked her home before going home myself, xD

****What a great day... ****

Was it just me, or was there a tug in my heart...?

2009-01-05T09:54:00.002+08:00

Heya, nice to meet the people who took the time to view my profile.
My name's mingyan, but i think LoneWolf suits me just fine. xD

Well... a little info about myself...
I am a sociable introvert (yep, that's what i like to call myself)...
I am a person with many perspective, sometimes my point of view is affected by my mood...
I am a very tolerating person...
I am a loyal friend... ok i have little friends, because those i consider friends are those whom i can feel open with and can talk openly to, and hence my true friends are only vacanted my 2 people. Sisca (yay sista!) and lewis (my brotha, someone who knows me all too well it freaks me out sometimes xD)...
I am someone who prefers to let others lead, but when the time permits i can stand up to lead too---> (wth i sound so weird here, why did i post this...? Gosh.)....
I think i am a person who is hopeless at love. Yea, you can say that again :(
I have a deep, dark, sad, hopeless and vulnerable side very VERY few people have ever seen... And i don't intend to show it to people other than those close enough to me...

Damn, theres too much about me but i dont have time to write down all... xD haha time's a commodity i just dont have enough of...

This is a new year, so im creating this blog for the new year and for the years ahead, but before that, im gonna post some things about my past, something which i think i can share(?).. LOLS

P.S by the way im writing this all in white, so i seriously cant really see what im writing =p