Saturday, January 10, 2009
31st December 2008
The day i will regret forever..
Well... Had actually wanted to go countdown with her, along with my colleagues at taka.. She already said she may not go, as she was feeling unwell, but somehow i got the impression that she was going, as just before she left for home i told her i'll wait for her at her void deck, and she said ok.
But there was a last minute shopper at my counter, so i cant leave along with her, and wanted to try on 4 (!!!!!!) shirts. Dammit, im late man, but i have no choice... Finally, after he tried it on, he chose one he wanted, i was pissed off at him buying only one but at least his gonna leave soon, before he said that it was a wedding gift and wanted it in a freaking box and wrapped. Tracy helped me wrap it, but still hes wasting my freaking time.
Finally walked out of taka at 10. So i rushed home to get ready to meet her before going for the countdown. By the time i reached yishun, i had tried calling her and her home MANY times, but my freaking hp just cant call through.. When i was finally able to get through, her mom picked up the phone and told me that she was still showering. Well, at that point i decided to chiong shower and wear my shirt and skinny...
I chiong-ed to her void deck to wait for her, and called her again, but she was still showering.. Wth its already 11.05, and its impossible to reach marina bay at this time.... tried calling meifang and ivan not to wait for me, but again my freaking hp just cant call through. Waited outside her house now... and called her again. Finally, shes out, and she was shocked that i was there, cuz she said that she told me shes not going already...
WTH... A last minute But she invited me in, and her mom also invited me. Wth, i've never stepped into a girl's house ALONE. and i never planned to do so. Wad made me walk in, i dont know, but at this point of time its all still ok..
Went into her house and sat beside her and watched tv, with her mom also watching tv but sat a little further away.. Then, her father came home, and boy was it awkward for me.. all of us sat in the living room watching tv, but there was somewhat an awkward silence, i guessed its because of me.
Then, she led me to her room. Yea, its weird for me, i've NEVER stepped into a girls's room. NEVER.
Well, we chatted about some things, mostly about her, something personal to her. I promised her not to tell anyone, and no matter what happens, I WILL NOT BREAK THAT PROMISE.
Then, wow, its the new year already. We missed the countdown, hahaha...
But, theres some things i kept in my heart, and im aching to say it out. Its the new year, eh, so there are some things i want to be tan bai... Although im regretting it now....
Well. i guess i went around the bush, many rounds. I told her about the pain when i lianai another girl before her, and how painful the 3 years was, how burdening the pain was, and how i cried myself to sleep sometimes. And then, i told her that there's something i want her to know, but im afraid i'll scare her away, and i dont want to scare her or anything. She laughed a little, cuz its obvious wad i wanna say.
I told her initially i was attracted to her, but hell i was attracted to many girls ( Sisca became my true friend, shimin a friend, gladys.. erm i dont think we really talked much, and her *another her* whom i liked for so many years). But somehow or rather, as time goes by, i think the attraction grew, and i think i fell in love with her. How i had thought about her, how i felt pain in my heart comparable to the pain i felt when i liked *another* her for 3 years... But how i know its useless, cuz she wont like me, and how i assured her not to worry, cuz i'll force myself to give up and forget her, and how much i want us to still stay as friends.
Well... i had wanted to give up... Its too painful for me to fall in love again, and i'll rather have a knife pierce my heart now than get stabbed in the heart everyday. I really felt that it was hopeless, but at the same time, i allowed myself. Just allowed myself a little hope that she may just like me.
But as i guessed, its impossible. Hey, i dont have the looks, the cash, or the brains. All i have is my heart, but no one seems to be able to see it. Its like... Shen bu ru si.
I also asked her if her like me... She kept quiet... Well, im not surprised, really. I guess the answer's obvious enough...
It must have been weird enough for her, too, to hear me say all this in HER HOUSE, in HER ROOM. Im sorry, sorry, sorry.
Things were never the same after this, and i regretted my action, ALOT. Why was i so stupid to tell her i liked her? I should have shouldered the pain myself, so that i wont make things difficult for her.
Yea, sure. I regret my actions, but it happened already. Hell, it still hurts, but at least i said it all out, and this should have snuffed out all hopes i have, altho is only a little.
LOVE HURTS. Like hell...
Things will never be the same again
4th January 2009
Its her last day of work today... i worked morning shift today, and was surprised to see her there too (hey, i didnt know she's working morning too). She bought Ferrero Roches to give out to the colleagues, but she didnt give it to me personally. From here on, i kept thinking something's wrong, well it already is, but i just have the feeling she's avoiding me...
Yea, and my fears came through...
During work she didnt give me a single eye contact, she walks away when i get close, and she doesnt talk to me. Normally she would smile at me, or just talk to me, but not today. Ok fine its been like this for quite awhile now... haix, my heart's so heavy...
Yea, and things got quite busy... In the end both of us worked full (i think she's already working full de, and i knocked off a little earlier then her cuz she work until close)... There was one time, when there's still alot of customers around but she's just standing there leaning against the wall, i couldnt help it but to go talk to her, cuz i have something i really want to say to her.. I went up to her, and asked her is she free after work, could we meet cuz i said i have something i need to tell her. She replies, as though i've hurt her, that she's not free, cuz its late and she have school the next day. I then ask can i meet her after work, as in i wait for her, then she also replied nonchalently dont want, as she have school the next day... I begged her, saying i only need 5 minutes, but again she denied me the time. And also when i accidentally meet her in the storeroom, she never once looked at me, and there was an awkward silence. I didnt dared to say anything, even though i really wanted to...
Then Si An said that after work, Daniel wants to go Lucky Plaza to look for a bluetooth headset, and i got the impression that she's also going along, so i readily replied ok.
Im so dejected man... The feeling sux alot... While waiting, i planned how i should say what i want to say to her... Its something like this...
When we reach yishun, i would quietly follow her, behind her, to send her back home. Then when i get the chance, i've planned to ask her only 2 questions and say a sentence of what i want to say, then i'll leave straight away...
The first question would be: Are you avoiding me.
Then, whether the answer's yes or no, i'll ask her
The second question: Can we still be friends? ---> Nan dao wo men nian peng you ye bu neng zuo le ma?
If the answer's yes, i'll tell her, im a very loyal friend, and i very zong friends, nonetheless good friends. So if your willing to be my friend, dont hesitate to come to me when your in need, im here 25/7 standby de, even if you want me to come out at 3am in the morning i'll drag myself out of bed de, cuz that's who i am...
But is the answer's no. i'll tell her, Ok, sua. You wont see me ever again, cuz i'll disappear whenever your around. Even when you see me i'll just walk away, and i wont bother you anymore no matter what. And, so yea, you dint have to worry about seeing me.
After work, met Daniel, SiAn, Jorene and her, but she left suddenly with Jorene, cuz we were walking to lucky when we found they were not with us, and i thought its all over. Yea, it felt hopeless then, then Daniel came up with a plan to play her, actually to call her and tell her to wait for him, he has something to say to her. And, omg, how happy i was. Yea, to at least, have the hope of having the chance of saying what i wanna say.
On the way back, i diam diam all the way, didnt say a single word. Hell, im afraid now. Scared shit outta my pants. Im afraid of what her answer might be, and althought i really want to get this straight, im the one who will carry this pain with me, not her.
When we alight at yishun, she got a phone call, and she talked all the way while walking home, and i silently followed behind her. Damn, how hopeless was i, i was afraid now that i wont get a chance to make things clear with her. Finally, she put down the phone when nearing her block, so i walked faster to meet her at the lift.
What hurts the most, was facing her and actually saying what i had planned to say, and watching her as though nothing was wrong, how she laughed when she answered to my first question, saying "no la", and how weird i was acting. How "normal" things were, how she was acting, really...really... i dont want to talk about it, the disappointment i feel, the pain, the sadness, how stupid i felt i was to like, again, someone who will ever like me and whom im not fit for. Seeing her... acting... broke my heart.
