Saturday, March 14, 2009
Was at work today when i saw Miss Prudence Lim walk pass my counter.
Yep, cool.
She was talking to her friends, so i guess she didnt notice me looking at her.
Heh, wanted to call her, but on second thoughts, i think i better now. I mean, im a student and literally the worse student who wasnt up to expectations.
Yea, suddenly it all hit me. Im so disgusted...... at myself. It's like suddenly i see myself in the mirror and realise... what a failure i am.
The incident today made me realise how childish, downright childish i am. How i let down my guard. How i let myself fall deeper into the pit i already am in. How insensitive i can be if i dont watch myself. How... i dispise myself.
It all seems to me that im just... a failure, that i never live up to expectations, how im in the total opposite of everyone else, how i am what everyone else doesnt want to be. That when everyone strives to live their life to the fullest, i cant wait to end mine.
How i cant wait to end the pain. end the sorrow, end the hypocrisy. end... everything about me. And im really looking for a little ounce of opportunity to end it all without people looking at me and realise what i've done. To end it with as little desperation as possible.
Sometimes... it looks as if everything turns for the better. How i may actually want to live. How i actually wont pounce at every chance to end.
But come to think of it, is it al just an illusion, that i live in order to die? Why is it that, in truth, everyone is just waiting to die, my thinking is so different from others.
Tsk, how pathetic am i. Im here talking all to myself, just like a fool. I mean, im just blogging for myself to read. A blog is supposed to be shared with others, but somehow i dont want to let others see, or at least not allow everyone to read.
Here i am, literally talking to myself.
Idiot. Disgusting. Pathetic. Loser. Failure.
